#Transitionary periods of life are So! Stressful!!

[strohller27]

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[drivestraight]

being guts deep into a wip at a stressful transitionary period of your life is so the move like i’m not thinking at all abt how i’m moving to nyc, instead i’m thinking about ********* ******* * ******* *** ******* ** ** ****

[mychaoticcryhole]

hi tumblr.

Hello again to my old friend. I used to blog all the time when I was in high school. Freshman, sophomore year my blog was the most perfectly curated version of myself. Always with a perfect layout and fun little things that made me feel special online. I overshared, of course. I showed myself, my friends, told everything. I cried writing my posts, I smiled, and I look back on those posts now so thankful that all those years ago I had nothing better to do than sit around and just throw all my thoughts into the universe and hope someone gave a shit to read them. I felt alone. I had one place to put everything and just leave it. Whether I was just sharing pictures that displayed words I couldn't think of or I was actively pouring out my soul and using my own words, my blog was a safe space. A true reflection of myself. And I really believe that outlet helped me in a time when I needed it most. So again I am here. Desperate to find a way to get back to me. Or to whatever me looks like these days.

Now I am 29. I began my last blog at 14 or 15. Things have changed so much, obviously. And I often think about what that 14 or 15 year old me would think about where I am today. As much as this is the life I would've wanted, it doesn't feel like that at all. I have a "good" job. I own my own house, own car. I am married to a wonderful man, my absolute best friend. I inherited his family and I have my family. There aren't many of us, but I have a relationship with them. I have a solid relationship with my very best friend and I get to watch her raise her own family (which is so crazy because looking back on my old blog, we never even imagined babies) and I am surrounded by so much love all the time.

But also nothing feels that good. At all. Everything kinda sucks. I have a lot on my plate. My "good" job feels like a lot more responsibility than I want. I know that I am overworked and underpaid. I feel invisible although I know the work that I do is important. I push myself so ridiculously hard to be the best because I know I can. And I know I can always do better. And my job takes full advantage of that. I am stressed all the time and feel like theres no rest. Ever. That place has taken a complete hold over what feels like every part of my mind. My family is dealing with their own shit. I feel like we are the perfect example of putting on a front for the world and just being the biggest shit show under the surface. I love my parents, and as I continue to get older I see them for what they are - just normal people who had kids and now just kind of have to figure it out. I see them move like normal people. Like I would move with my friends or in my relationship. And I see where things are hard. And I can see why things are falling apart in the way that they are. But I also wish they could just find a way to be done and both thrive. And I don't know how we do that. And I also don't know why I have allowed this to be such a large stressor on myself.

I think at this time I'm in a weird transitionary period of my life where I am ready to let everything go. I want to ditch every half-assed friendship that doesn't feel right to me. I want to surround myself with people on my same wavelength. I want people in my circle with my same energy, who think highly of me, like real, unconditional love. I don't have much faith in people anymore. And maybe I am just meant to be that person that only has the one best friend alongside my husband. And I am getting to a place where I am finding that to be okay. But I will need somewhere to dump all my shit. And this is that place.

[mylonlysunshine]

I've stopped logging you in my dreams the past week because I don't want you to fill my notes every night but you've been there almost every night since the new year. I don't think it's a recent representation of what you look like

Last night i was going to work. My job was next to the green building Melissa (1)'s thrift store used to be and that guys apartment you had to clean out for your dad. Sort of by where the cupcake place is. But I first parked in front of Melissa (2)'s house. I was too far away so I got back in the car and parked where M1 used to live. But it was a block and a half away from blockers rather than sharing the same block. I reminisced M1's house with the half glass block wall. I checked my location and still saw I was too far away from work. So I walked and you were behind me. We talked for a little bit it was just casual. You asked me what car I had and I told you I transitioned from vw to Subaru. You asked to drive it and I let you

I've noticed you show up during transitionary periods in my life where I need to make a choice. Or times where I'm stressed in my waking life. On average dream days that aren't riddled with stress or trauma, it feels like this is where I am subconsciously resorting to. Why after so many years of pain and hurt, does my soul still call to you in my dreams. will it ever go away? Do you dream of me?

[charlie-pippin-faraday]

fabina h/cs?

Oh yes I was hoping someone would ask me this. Warning this got very long I have a lot of thoughts and feelings

They are so sweet it makes everyone wanna barf sometimes

In S1 some of them (Mick, Mara, Alfie, Patricia) place bets on when they're gonna get together. Mick wins

During S2 Amber tries to get them together in a multitude of different ways. She tries mistletoe, the old "trapping them in a small dark room together" trick, conspiring with Patricia and Alfie to ensure they just so ~happen~ to find themselves alone together, etc.

Throughout S3, they literally never stopped thinking about each other

After graduation, it's a really turbulent and transitionary period in Fabian's life, and he has to assess what he really wants. And he realizes he never stopped loving Nina, and he wants to be with her again

Amber actively encourages him to go after her, saying he'll regret it for the rest of his life if he doesn't

Nina realizes the past year without him has been miserable. It's been awful not having her best friend by her side to talk to and confide in and do things with, and she's missed him so much. So when he reaches out, all of her feelings come rushing back with an intensity, and she decides she doesn't want to lose him again, and they get back together. For good this time.

They go to college in America together, and Fabian ultimately moves to her hometown of Cleveland to be with her

After college they work at a museum together looking at historical stuff all day long. They get to nerd out and they work together well; it's a dream job

Nina tries her best to introduce Fabian to American culture. Some of it is a bigger culture shock than others. Nina is always incredibly amused when he doesn't get words right or he gets flustered and confused at certain customs

He's not sure how he feels about American fast food

American pie, however, is his new favorite thing. Especially Nina's gran's pies

The Fourth of July scares him. But barbecues are nice

Nina is a fan of Cleveland's baseball team. She takes him to a game, and by god is he confused. He has trouble following. The first game is a lost cause. But once Nina points out how dependent the game is on math, then he starts to get the hang of it. A little bit

American driving, however, is horrifying to Fabian. Nina's a pretty good driver, and Fabian's fairly good (if not a bit stiff and nervous) at driving in the UK, but in America it's a whole different animal. Not only are they on the other side of the road, but the drivers here are fast and aggressive. It's very scary. The ONLY reason he eventually learns to do it the American way is because he wants to be able to take Nina out and be a competent enough man to drive a car around

Speaking of cars: one summer they definitely go on a cross-country road trip, just the two of them. It's meant to bring them closer and be romantic, and it is. They love looking at all the sights together, and Fabian is amazed by the sheer diversity of landscape and how gorgeous parts of the country can be. He TRIES to split the driving 50/50, but America is just so goddam BIG, like intimidatingly huge, and he's not used to driving for that long. The driving ends up being more like 70/30 in Nina's favor, but she doesn't mind. She gives Fabian the responsibility of making a road trip playlist, and he knocks it out of the park

At home, they enjoy cozy nights by the fireside, reading and snuggling under blankets

Sweaters! They are sweater people and I enjoy the image of them snuggling together in sweaters

Handwritten letters! They write each other handwritten letters all the time, especially in the summer between season 1-2 and the period of time between graduation and Fabian making the move to America. They both keep every single letter they receive and each keep them stored in a sentimental little box

They like to frequent old/used bookstores and antique shops. Their place is filled to the brim with odd knickknacks and collectibles that they find, and they have an entire wall with shelves piled high with books

They don't need a lot of fancy stuff, and they don't care about being high-class; they don't care much about appearances, and they don't need a lot. All they care about really is being together.

They learn to get better at communication and not let anyone else's opinion about their relationship impact their relationship. They're the only ones that know what's best for them, and they take things at their own pace

Nina can get overly emotional and stressed sometimes, and Fabian's her rock. That's how it's always been, and that's how it always will be

They love to watch the discovery channel and the national geographic channel, along with netflix documentaries

They fuckin LOVE escape rooms, they use every excuse they can to go to escape rooms

Nina takes Fabian to the rock and roll hall of fame, and he's like a kid in a candy store

They are frequent patrons of their local coffee shop, to the point where all the baristas know who they are

They are very cheesy and sentimental all the time. Most everything they do is very thoughtful and has some kind of meaning

They like to write cute notes to each other and leave them around the house

It takes Fabian forever to actually propose to Nina, to the point where he gets calls from Amber just about every day asking when she's getting an engagement announcement. He just wanted to be careful and deliberate about it and make sure everything was perfect

He makes sure the proposal is simple and romantic. He sets up a candlelit dinner, the lights are low, he talks to her softly and sweetly and tells her he loves her and pops the question

Nina, surprisingly, does not cry. Fabian, however, definitely does when she says yes

He proposes with a family ring; his grandmother's ring. It's very sentimental and has a lot of history behind it, and we all know Nina loves that stuff, and the history and story makes her very emotional

He does what he should have done in S2 instead of writing a poem: he writes her a song and plays it for her on the guitar. It's her favorite thing he's ever done for her.

After the engagement they tell Amber before they tell anyone else, because she'd kill them if they didn't

They surprise her with a video call, and they don't tell her at first, but then Nina surprises her and shows off the ring, and Amber screams so loud they're convinced she's going to break glass.

Amber is even more excited than they are, she talks with them absolutely non-stop about their wedding. She even tries to take control of it at some point

Their wedding is a fairly small wedding; it takes place at an outdoor venue in the spring, at a beautiful location just outside her hometown in America. Mick is the best man and Amber is the maid of honor. Amber gives an incredibly emotional MOH speech and sobs buckets. Gran walks Nina down the aisle

Her wedding dress looks a little something like this; definitely something with long lacy sleeves

They have 3 kids, all girls

The oldest is Evelyn, named after Nina's gran. She's got dark hair, Nina's curls, Nina’s light blue eyes, and she looks like Fabian. She got Nina's courageous leadership side, she's very adventurous

The middle child is Sarah. She looks like someone legit photocopied Nina. Same hair color, same curls, same eyes, same general facial features. She got the intellectual and bookish side of both of them

The youngest is Eloise, kind of a little bit after Sarah's mother but mostly they just liked the name. Often they call her "Lou" and she definitely goes by that when she's older. She somehow got to be strawberry blonde, has less curls than her sisters, she has Fabian's blue-green eyes, and is a mix of them both when it comes to facial features. She got the part of them that liked to sneak around and break the rules; as she gets older she becomes very rebellious, and Nina jokes "are we sure this child came from me and not Patricia?"

All 3 girls are little troublemakers and they're partners in crime

At some points when the girls are a bit much Fabian gets stressed and shouts "we're outnumbered!!!!!"

Amber is their aunt and showers the girls with expensive presents all the time, especially clothes, which all of the girls LOVE. Nina and Fabian accuse her of spoiling them and she says "If I can't spoil them then what's the point of being the rich beloved aunt?"

The girls do indeed love Amber, all three of them adore her

When the girls get older they find the boxes of letters their parents wrote to each other, they think it's very sweet

Even as they get older, the two of them always set aside time to be romantic with each other

And they remain each other's best friend and confidante forever and ever

yo please feel free to keep sending me these! or asking me my opinions on stuff! this is a lot of fun!

[sasha-r-blog]

A Promising Encounter

Timing: A few months back

Parties: @professorbcampbell and @sasha-r-blog

Location: University campus cafe

Summary: Sasha’s advisor sets up a meeting between her and Professor Campbell to discuss her academic career. Ben sees promise in her. 

Content: Allusions to manipulation 

“I think it would be good for you to meet with one of the faculty mentors. It doesn’t have to be a regular occurrence, but if you try it you might find something of value. Maybe ideas for ways to get involved on campus, or suggestions of ways to make your major feel more worthwhile to you. Or maybe a way to take a more interdisciplinary approach to your academic career. A lot of students find branching out helps them to get a fuller experience at the university. I’ll put in an appointment for you with one of them. I wouldn’t want you to go into your second semester still not feeling settled when there are options that may help.”

Sasha gripped the shoulder strap of her school bag so tight her knuckles were turning white. Why had she agreed to this? She could have just said no to her advisor and wouldn’t have had to deal with any of this today. But now she was standing near the entrance of the on campus cafe, halfway to a panic attack. She could have just said no, but instead she just sat there across from her advisor as she droned on at her, nodding like an idiot at being signed up for this when she really wanted nothing to do with it. It wasn’t like her advisor’s suggestion was dumb, it was just that now Sasha had to walk into public space on campus and meet with a stranger that she couldn’t even remember the name of. Professor Candle or Combbull or something.

She took a shaky breath. She probably looked like a weirdo for lingering at the entrance, foot tapping and sweating under her sweater. It was hard to tell if she was imagining the people leaving giving her weird glances and giggling, but she quickly rushed in after they passed. It wasn’t even that crowded, no rush of students grabbing coffee and bagels between classes at the moment. But there was still a decent amount of seats filled, mostly people chatting with each other or working alone on their laptops. Oh great, right, she didn’t even know what this professor looked like. Sasha awkwardly walked over to the side, avoiding the questioning glance of the barista who was probably expecting her to order something. This was the worst. Either this guy was waiting for her here and she was just looking around like an idiot, or he hadn’t even arrived yet and Sasha was still looking around like an idiot. Maybe she’d be lucky today and the professor messed up his schedule and couldn’t even make it. She’d give it 10 minutes. That was fair right? Then after that she was legally allowed to bail.

Looking at his watch, Ben shut off his computer and pulled on his wool overcoat. The beginnings of snow had started to drift down on the campus, which was a bit of a nuisance. Ice and freezing temperatures complicated his affairs. But, Yule was nearly upon them and he was looking forward to gathering with the rest of his family to celebrate the occasion with hot chocolate and human sacrifices. Maybe his sister in law would break out the mulled wine-- that would be a treat. Ben took his time as he walked towards the campus coffee shop. He was in no hurry to meet this new student. He’d looked up her records when one of the advisors had asked if he had any availability in his schedule to meet with a “brilliant but flounder” student. Of course, how could he say no? Smiling at one of his former TA’s as he walked across the campus, Ben sighed. Computer science majors, logical to a fault typically. He doubted he would have much luck with this one, but who knew.

Walking into the coffee shop, he glanced around and saw a fidgeting young girl in the corner. Sasha. That must be her. With a warm smile on his face, Ben offered a polite wave. “Sasha Rodriguez, correct?” He asked, “Apologies for the delay, a lecture ran long. I’m Professor Campbell, but please, call me Ben.”

Unfortunately, within three minutes of Sasha’s countdown to leave, a man walked into the coffee shop and greeted her. Great. Well, yeah, actually great in the sense that she didn’t have to awkwardly stand here anymore unsure who she was supposed to meet. Sarcastic “great” at the fact that she wasn’t getting out of this social interaction any time soon.

“Hi, yes, that’s me,” Sasha said, giving a small wave toward the professor before realizing that was probably unnecessary and dumb. “My advisor said we were supposed to meet for a mentoring...thing. I guess we should sit down somewhere?”

Luckily the area Sasha had tucked herself into while waiting had a free table only a few feet away. Sasha took her backpack off and sat down, half wanting to keep it on her lap, it’s weight somehow comforting. But she decided against it. This would just be talking, which didn’t exactly make her feel any better, but reminding herself that talking to someone new wouldn’t kill her was important. Most shy kids she knew growing up were at least teacher’s pets to balance out the lack of friends, but she had never even managed that. Peers, teachers, strangers, all fair game for her nerves. But she could handle talking to him for a bit. At least her anxiety was easing a little now that she didn’t have to wonder about the unknown of when and who she was meeting. With a nod, Ben gestured for her to grab a table. “That sounds like a wise idea. You hold tight, I’ll get us some coffee.” He said and left to go to the barista. With his trademark smile, Ben ordered an americano and a drip coffee and collected the drinks at the end of the bar. “I wasn’t sure what you preferred, so I thought it’d be safest to go with a black coffee.” He said, setting the mug in front of the girl. “So. Sasha. It’s good to meet you-- please, don’t think of this as any kind of interview or lecture or anything like that. I’m here to act as a sort of liaison between you and the faculty here. And, to offer you a warm White Crest welcome. Go Moose!” Ben said with a very “ra-ra” gesture of his hand. It was an act, crafted over the years to inspire confidence and ease the nerves of some of the more anxiety ridden students. “How are you finding the university so far?”

Sasha nodded, watching as Professor Campbell, or Ben she guessed, ordered the drinks. Right, probably best to actually drink coffee at the coffee shop. It was a campus location, but that didn’t mean that they wouldn’t get annoyed looks if they spent time here without ordering something.

As Ben handed her the drink Sasha mumbled out a quick thanks, taking a sip before remembering to respond with more. “Um, yeah, black coffee’s fine. That’s what I usually have.” Adding milk would have just made her stomach mad at her, and adding sugar didn’t really seem to do anything to the taste. She wasn’t really sure why people added it in the first place. Taking another sip, she realized how sorely she needed the coffee. Maybe that’s part of why she was so on edge. Sasha hadn’t been a big coffee drinker before coming to college, but it was quickly becoming a staple with all her late night patrols as The Claw. She read once that coffee could actually make people more anxious or something, but right now it was giving her stressed and tired brain a much needed jolt.

“Thank you,” she said, smiling slightly at the little “ra ra” hand gesture. She hadn’t been sure what to expect, but she was glad that Ben didn’t seem like some of the other professors she had met this semester; harsh gazes and even harsher deadline, rambling so fast Sasha couldn’t keep up, or dully reading off their lesson plans and then slipping away after the class as if they had never even existed.

“It's going alright so far, I think. I’m not doing the best in some of my classes but, um, I don’t know, I guess otherwise things are fine.” That was the thing, what did Sasha do besides classes? She had barely gotten to know anyone on campus, peer or otherwise. She had managed to avoid almost every campus event out of tiredness or busyness or anxiety. It wasn’t like she was in any clubs either. Sasha tapped her fingers across the side mug. She really must look like a loser for that, but then again, that wasn’t exactly a surprising turn of events. She had The Claw, that’s what she did, so why did she need to try to do stuff on campus besides not flunk out?

“I don’t really do much here.”

“Excellent. And, you’re quite welcome.” He said with an encouraging nod. Regarding the girl over the rim of his coffee mug, Ben took careful stock of her body language, her general demeanor. She seemed nervous, but that was normal amongst the new undergraduate students, even the ones that claimed to be adjusting well. Ben took a sip from his cup as she quietly explained her situation. Struggling in class, an advisor mandated meeting with one of the mentor teachers to ease her into the life of collegiate life? How interesting. Interesting indeed. “I think there’s always a certain amount of an adjustment period to be expected with grades,” Ben said, because that’s what the understanding professor would say. That’s what someone who didn’t expect greatness from his students would say. “So I wouldn’t let that bother you very much, as long as you’re enjoying the classes you’re  in. College is a transitionary period, there are always going to be bumps in the road whenever these things happen.”

She tapped her fingers on the mug-- an irritating habit that Ben ignored. Hopefully someone would be able to drill that out of her, it wasn’t very polite. “What about extracurriculars? Are you living on campus? Have you gotten to know some of your classmates? There are all sorts of clubs offered by the student body, I know more than a few students who have found their niche in one club or another.”

“Yeah, classes are good. I like them.” It wasn’t a complete lie, Sasha didn’t hate her classes. But whatever she thought she was good at when it came to math and coding and tech didn’t apply much here. And when it did it was the basic stuff in classes that made her eyes glaze over and excuse herself to the “bathroom” just to walk up and down the hallway to wake herself up.

She nodded along to what Ben said about it being a transitionary period, but as he continued on with more questions she froze up a bit. “Um...not really. I mean I don’t really do much on campus. I’ve seen flyers around and I know they have activity fairs and stuff like that, but I’ve never gone.” Sasha nervously picked at a hangnail. Boy, the flap of skin sure was way more interesting than looking back at this professor who was probably exasperated at her lack of involvement. “I live on campus, so I know I don’t really have an excuse, but like I said, I don’t really do anything here. I just sort of do my own thing. Alone.”

“What classes are your favorite?” Ben asked conversationally, leaning back in his chair, one leg folding over the other as he watched the girl with an appraising eye. “I’m sure you must enjoy our coding classes-- I’ll admit, I’m not very familiar with the faculty in that department, but I’ve heard good things from some of the other students I mentor. They’re on the engineering track, though, I’m not sure if you’d have much overlap with them.” He said.

Noticing the sudden “deer in the headlights” expression on her face, Ben noted to ease up on the questions. Some students thrived off them, Sasha clearly wasn’t one of those. Fair enough, he could work with that. “That’s perfectly alright-- college can be incredibly overwhelming when you first arrive.” He said, tone gentle. He watched her pick at her nails with increasing distaste. Disgusting. But, he didn’t let the annoyance show on his face. Instead, he cast a sympathetic smile in her direction. “And there’s nothing wrong with being alone. That said, college is a time for meeting people, making friends. I’m sure I’m not the first person to tell you this, so I’m apologizing in advance for sounding like a cliche. But, some of the best friends I’ve had I met in college. You’ll never know who you’ll meet unless you put yourself out there.” He said with an encouraging nod.

Sasha hadn’t expected the professor to seem so casual about her lack of involvement, though she supposed that wasn’t that surprising. In her anxiety she thought maybe this meeting was some last ditch faculty intervention thing where Ben would shake his head and tsk tsk at her and explain how Sasha was going to ruin her college experience by being so much of a loner.

Her shoulders eased slightly, more tension leaving as she reminded herself that this was just a meeting with some random professor and even if he gave her a list of clubs it wasn’t like he could force her to go. She had been in college long enough now that she knew, for better or for worse, if she didn’t want to do something like go to class or take a professor’s advice she didn’t have to. But it was nice that Ben didn’t seem like the type so far to be a jerk about it.

“I mean, I like this one class, Scientific Simulation and Modeling. It is for one of my Gen Eds but it fits into my whole major and the professor makes it pretty fun. We were mostly doing simulations for regional ecology and wildlife population stuff, and that was kinda cool. I’ve really only taken math and computer classes this semester. I know I need to do all the other Gen Eds but besides English 101 I haven’t really thought about what to do for that. I haven’t looked into engineering classes, but I’m sure some of them might overlap with what I need.”

Still, even if Ben was being nice, Sasha couldn’t help but wonder how much he really cared about her major or anything else she was saying . He apparently wasn’t part of the department most of her classes were in, and Sasha assumed most professors didn’t spend time outside of their own academic circle. But Ben seemed to watch intently in a way that made Sasha feel like maybe he was actually interested in listening, even if she decided to ramble on about the model the class worked on for trout populations in the local rivers or how she was kinda proud she got an A on her last Trig test when she had been hovering around a C all semester. She wasn’t going to though, even she didn’t care that much about her classes to talk about specifics. And she knew painfully well if she did talk too long about her interest most people just thought she was weird.

“I’ve never really been away from home or alone so I guess it is pretty weird to get used to. Alone without my parents I mean. But I mostly hung out by myself back home too so that isn’t really much of a change. I uh, I mean, I hear that a lot, the whole thing about making close friends in college. I’m sure it is true for most people but...”

God, she must sound like such a sad sack. After she took another sip of coffee she tried her best to change the subject.

“But I haven’t really had luck. Anyway, uh, what department do you teach in then?”

Ben barely paid attention as she rattled on and on about whatever silly little class had captured her interest. It seemed like some kind of scientific class, one he was entirely unfamiliar with. Which hardly made her the ideal candidate for his little club-- hardly any of his carefully cultivated minds were on the science track. But, she could be useful yet. Hrv’Shtooooor didn’t care how long it took him to find fresh blood, only that he did. Smiling and nodding at the appropriate intervals, Ben took a sip from his coffee cup. “Have you talked to the professor at all about other courses they teach? I know more than a few of my own students helped settle on their degree tracks because of influential teachers. Not--” He added with a deliberately rueful smile, “only myself, of course. But, that could be a good starting point as far as finding common interests with others or exploring new paths.”

“People take things at their own pace.” Ben said with an assured nod. So she was a loner. Interesting, very interesting. That boded well. The desperate and the lonely made for easy targets, though the science minded had always been a harder nut for him to crack. He relished a challenge, though. At her question, he cast her a polite smile as she settled back in his chair, one leg folded over the other. “I’m a Professor of the Classics, so I’m with the School of Arts and Sciences. Not classic literature, mind you,” He said lightly, though the misconception continually irked him. As if he cared about Bronte, Austen, Fitzgerald, or any of the rest of their ilk. “I teach Greek and Roman antiquity. Politics, philosophy, history, literature, and so on. It’s a dull field, but I find it quite enjoyable.”

“I probably should, I barely know what my plan for next semester is. But I guess if a professor teaches one good class hopefully their other ones are good too.” Again, she should probably put more thought into this, considering how much she was paying for school. But maybe Ben was right. Going at her own pace, figuring it out bit by bit, couldn’t be that much of a disaster, right? She hadn’t flunked out her first semester, she couldn’t be that bad.

“So would the classics include myths and things like that?” Politics and philosophy sounded like an easy way for Sasha to fall asleep instantly in class. But myths were kinda cool. She never really looked a whole lot into it, but a lot of those greek heroes felt like old timey superheroes. She sure as hell wasn’t going to mention that to the professor though. There had to be a limit to how kind he could be, and she doubted comparing years of studies to comic books was going to make him happy.

“I don’t really know if I really get a lot of that stuff, but it sounds cool. It covers a lot of stuff it sounds like.” She was surprised he was calling his own field dull, it made her reflexively want to disagree, even if half of what he listed did sound boring to her. Maybe it was just the idea that someone could spend years doing something and people would still think it wasn’t worth much. It made her vaguely sad. She knew first hand that it sucked to care about something a lot when plenty of others didn’t.

“That’s the spirit.” Ben said with an approving smile and gestured grandly with his cup. “A positive mindset is a valuable thing. College is all about experiences. And everyone has their own way of going about things. But, it never hurts to venture out a bit, dip your toes in the water, that sort of thing. This school is a small one, all things considered, but I’m sure you’ll find professors-- and peers-- who suit you best.” He said with a kind expression on his face. And he would do his best to steer her towards his own little niche. If she got away, so be it. But, he was a patient man and so was his Lord.

Myths. Of course, that was all anyone could ever talk about. But, he supposed it was easy to be enamored with the stories of ancient times when you didn’t know that some of the so-called myths were alive and well. Nodding, Ben bridged his fingers together, “Yes, we cover the various mythos surrounding both Greek and Roman society, though I typically focus on how they were indicative of the times in which they were written and the religious importance they held.” Leaning forward, he said in a conspiratorial whisper, “But, between you and me? My segment on Hercules is one of my favorite sections. Next to Gilgamesh, he’s one of the greatest heroes in history.” Ben said with a nod.

“Ah, you’re very kind. But, I’ve spent too many hours at conferences led by geriatric old fogeys to delude myself into thinking that what I teach is “cool”.” Ben said, making air quotes with a modest shrug. “That said, it’s my field of choice and I’m always very pleased to see the new generation of historians who are interested in preserving antiquity the way I do.” He said before glancing casually at his watch, a throw away gesture to see how observant she was. Was she the type to notice the subtlety of others actions? Or would she gloss over it?

It would be nice if what Ben said was true, if Sasha could connect with people at the college and feel a bit more at home. Maybe she was just being pessimistic. It wasn’t like she never took risks. Climbing onto icy rooftops and chasing down bad guys wasn’t what most people would call playing it safe. So why was it so hard to just talk to people in comparison?

“I think heroes and stuff like that reflect a lot of things.” Sasha winced slightly at her own words. She wished she could say it in a way that sounded smarter, but she agreed with him. The people others looked up to and wrote about, even if they weren’t real...well, they usually said something about the person who was writing about them, about what they wished for, who they wanted to be. “Are you teaching any classes about that stuff soon? I...honestly I’ve not really thought about my schedule much but maybe I could take one.” At the very least it might fill a history gen-ed or something. There wasn’t harm in trying.

Sasha smiled at Ben talking about not being cool. Sasha wasn’t sure any professor could be “cool” but at least he was complaining about the old-timey professors rather than being one himself. As he spoke Sasha caught him glancing at his watch. Crap, how long had they been sitting here talking? Sasha glanced over at the clock on the nearby wall, worried that looking at her phone would seem rude. She was surprised by how much time had passed. If it felt like just a few minutes ago she was halfway to bailing out of this meeting in the first place out of nerves. “Ah, sorry, didn’t mean to talk so long.”

Ben regarded the girl with an appraising nod. Heroes, hm? Perhaps she was just one of the innumerable students who were obsessed with the Marvel movies that had trickled out of Hollywood over the past decade. But, it was her body language that interested her more. She seemed hesitant, self-critical, anxious. As though her own words couldn’t stand on their own. Interesting. Very, very interesting. With another winning smile, Ben let out a chuckle, “As luck would have it, I am.” It was one of his most popular courses with the undergraduates, how could he not offer it? The course had pulled in more than a few of his most recent… disciples. “I have a course on Greek and Roman literature that focuses quite extensively on the heroes-- and villains-- of myth.” He said earnestly. “It’s open to most degree tracts, but don’t quote me on that. I’m not as familiar with course requirements as I should be.”

Ah, she noticed. Observant, anxious, eager to please, and apologetic. Very good, very good indeed. With a warm smile, Ben stood up and held out a hand for a firm handshake. “No, no, believe me, the pleasure was all mine. I enjoy being able to talk to promising young students like yourself. And do mean that,” He said as he pulled his jacket back on, preparing to walk back out into the wintery street. “You have a lot of potential, Sasha. Don’t let minor setbacks hold you back from that.” With that, Ben strode out of the coffee shop a satisfied expression on his face as he left. Sasha Rodriguez. What a promising young woman indeed.

[shitter]

checking in on ya. hows life?

Well to be honest, I recently had a falling out with a close friend, and that whole situation kinda sent me spiraling into a deep depression. That, in addition to general work-related stress, relationship stress, and feelings of isolation and loneliness put me in a pretty bad place emotionally, like to the point to where it was legitimately concerning.

Luckily I was able to realize this, and came to the conclusion that I just need to surround myself with friends and family right now. My Grandpa’s funeral was coming up (another source of stress), and happened to coincide with all of this, so I was able to set things up to where I could come down to Florida for the funeral, and stay there for a couple months while working from home. Grim circumstances, but it all worked out pretty well!

I’ve been here for a couple of weeks now, and It’s been a healing process for sure, but it’s definitely still a transitionary period, and there’s still some issues I have to work through.

At the very least I’m home, and am settling down for the time being. I’m definitely Where I Should Be right now, and that’s good enough for me.

[ageofaquarius130]

3/52

This week was kind of weird in this strange transitionary period in my life. Monday was still deliberating what I should do, as well as Tuesday but I finally made the decision to move to the studio in Long Island! It just seemed like the better option for me right now so that I can be a little more comfortable while I’m not sure what the future holds for me right now. I really hope I made the right decision!

Wednesday, the day after a huge decision, I woke up with the worst migraine and spent the whole morning vomiting and slept for like 6 hours on top of the 7 I got the night before. Wtf.

Thursday I dealt with a kind of stressful day at work because of some intern who did not communicate well but I didn’t want to get them in trouble.

Friday was nicer, my coworkers and I went out for drinks and hung out which was so nice. I’m really getting closer to everyone and I love how close I’m getting to everyone. It’s becoming a really great working environment that makes me wonder if I can stay at my job for a while?

Saturday I went over to the new place to take a second look and drop off my first month’s rent with deposit. I went in scared but left really happy knowing the place was going to be all mine in a couple of weeks! I don’t wanna post too many pics of it so far cause it looks kinda rough but I’ll post pics once I get the place in order it’ll be all cute and lorraine-y. Afterwards my boyfriend came through and we went shopping at IKEA and went to Chik-fil-A for the second time in my life lol.

Sunday was chill, we went to bagel cafe for breakfast and then hung out at target shopping for stuff (watched the sunset from the parking lot) and then ate dinner with my mom. We watched BOTH Fyre Festival documentaries and voted that the Netflix one was better.

Anyway this week will be me packing and getting stuff to the new place and surviving work as usual. My birthday is next week so we’ll see what I decide to do lol

[cookinguptales]

i love tarot decks so i'm very curious to see what i get as a reading and also to see some of your decks! a serious reading would be nice too 🫐

Ooh, another fan! I did your reading from my newest deck, The Pulp Tarot. I really recommend clicking that link and taking a look at some of the other cards because it is an absolutely gorgeous deck. It immediately became one of my favorites.

Five of Swords (reversed), Three of Cups, Nine of Pentacles (reversed)

There are a lot of reversed cards here, and that may make you think things are all bad -- but not necessarily. The Five of Swords is a card of conflict and usually indicates that you’re at war with someone in your life. But here it’s reversed. That typically means that the conflict is behind you and you are finally reaching the point in your life where you can move past it. Be careful of holding onto lingering resentment in this period. Anger can be healthy and it can help you, but resentment is an emotion that will slowly poison you. If anger is still serving you, you’re welcome to it -- but if it’s a conflict that cannot be resolved, let it go. Stressing yourself out over it will only limit you at this point.

The Three of Cups, on the other hand, is a card of community. Reach out to the people who are important in your life to help you through this transitionary period, or perhaps reach out to make some new friends in your community. (IRL or online.) Talk to people, bare your soul, have some fun. Let other people buoy you when you’re feeling down. This is a really positive card that usually indicates that there are (or will be) people in your life who love you. Let them!

The Nine of Pentacles in the reversed position is a warning. The Nine of Pentacles is typically a card of wealthy and luxury, the fruits of your hard-spent effort. But reversed... well, that can be read a couple ways. The general vibe here is an obsession with the material world. This can either mean you’re living beyond your means, or that you’ve created some kind of unhealthy relationship with wealth and/or luxury. Maybe you’re too obsessed with gaining material goods right now, or maybe it’s the opposite; maybe you’re finally going to be in a place where you can afford what you want but you just can’t let yourself have it. My advice is to just breathe, y’know? Pay attention to your real finances, not whatever is built up in your head, and make decisions that reflect the reality of your situation, whether that’s over or under spending. Either way, though, give yourself a break. It’s been such a rough few years for everyone -- it can be easy to get wrapped up in a little bit of comfort, or to start worrying about stability.

Wishing you the best!

[whatthebec]

i’m in a very stressful and transitionary period in my life rn and i’m scared cause i legit feel so alone and like no one actually likes me for me and i wanna k*ll myself lmaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo but it’s like so what? who cares? no one cares so it’s just like even more depressing

[thisiskayle]

How is it that I’ve been feeling so uninspired? When your worldview changes, it’s not easy. My whole foundation has shook from what I had once believed. Self-fulfilling fallacies came to fruition; I put that to an end. 

I take responsibility for everything in my life. I can’t control extrinsic factors but I get to determine my reactions them. 

There’s so much going on in my life. I’m so busy. It’s a great transitionary period from being dependent to spreading my wings and flying on my own. 

I’m not sad, I’m just stressed. I’m not upset, I’m just lost. I’ve actualized what I’ve work for and I don’t feel entirely fulfilled. 

My art, my writing, my self-reflections - I truly believe I carry intangible gifts beyond just teaching. I feel constricted at times living inside the parameters which are set for me. 

[everyoneispretending]

001. 2 Eggs (over medium), Breakfast Potatoes, & Toast

It’s my first post. If you’re confused about the title of this blog entry, I’ve decided to title everything after a food item I ate that day. Not sure why. Maybe it’s my weird obsession with food... My compulsive overeating disorder... My fascination with asmr eating videos... I don’t know. 

I’m starting this blog to track my journey into *sigh* ‘finding myself.’ I know that sounds cliche, but I’m in a transitionary period of my life right now. I just started a new job this week. My last job (which I had for 3 years) was crazy intense/chaotic and didn’t allow for me to have any kind of life outside of work. My last couple jobs have been the same way. So basically, I’ve been burned out for most of my professional life. This new job just started but it’s already vastly different in terms of workload and stress. My hope is that I can now have enough breathing room to (attempt to) live life as a 3 dimensional person. I want to have hobbies, goddammit. And friends. And fun things to do on the weekends that have nothing to do with work. I want to date. And have adventures. And fall in love. And figure out who the fuck I am and what I want to say with my art. 

So here’s to hoping I keep this updated and don’t let this fall to the wayside like so many of my blogs from past lives (R.I.P.). 

I just want to be the protagonist of my own story. 

[makingnewmistakes]

So I’m Trying Drugs

So today I picked up my first round of methylphenidate to help treat my ADD.

I’ve never taken behavioral medication before, don’t do recreational drugs other than drinking socially, and don’t even taken other prescription medications. So in one sense, I’m in a pretty good place to try this and see if it helps.

In another sense, I feel incredibly unexperienced, and I’m actually feeling pretty anxious about the whole thing. I’ve been going to my therapist again over the past year or so before and after I quit my last day job, and it wasn’t until I was struggling to just put myself out there and APPLY to jobs recently that I started to seriously think about taking medication.

The thing I keep saying to myself is, “It’s not that I can’t live without it. I’ve made it this far all right. But it could make things easier.” At times I’ve felt like an incredible hypocrite—I truly believe in destigmatizing mental illness/disorders and the use of medication to manage it/them, and yet I’ve been pretty damn resistant up until recently to try using medication to help myself. I’m quick to criticize and judge myself, though, so to give myself a LITTLE more credit, I’d also argue that I waited so long because I’m also wary of over-diagnosis and overmedication, and I wanted to be absolutely certain there were parts of my life I was struggling with that could benefit from medication. (And while I’d never want to base my whole reasoning on them, I’ve seen/heard enough horror stories about medication—fictional and real-life—to be at least a LITTLE cautious.)

I set up the doctor’s appointment before I got the job I just started working at, and I think that was important, because otherwise I could’ve easily came up with the excuse, ���Well, I have a job now, and it’s not taxing me the way that my last job was—this job may even be GOOD for my ADD—so maybe I DON’T need the medication.” But there are still plenty of mundane, everyday tasks that fall by the wayside and cause stress—paperwork, bills, and such. I want to start exercising more, since I know THAT can be a huge help with managing ADD, but that too feels too much like a chore at times. And when it comes to the thing I WANT to do with my life—music—I know having a bit more focus would help me with practice, booking shows, and other things that I know I should be doing but avoid because they’re “boring.”

And I should not be sitting on the couch watching YouTube for hours at a time, when I could be doing other things—not even more IMPORTANT things necessarily. Just OTHER things. Because that’s one of the things I’ve learned about ADD—or my ADD, at least—that feels so insidious and feels like reason enough to try medication: Once I’m doing one of these things my brain deems as “less interesting” than watching YouTube or mindlessly browsing the Internet for hours on end, I usually feel pretty good. But it’s so easy to get a dopamine rush from the Internet that it’s hard for me to motivate myself to do other stuff when I have the time.

If that sounds pathetic, then that’s EXACTLY why I decided to explore medication when it comes to managing my ADD. I’m going to continue seeing my therapist when I can, and hopefully I can figure out a combination medication and therapy to bring some balance to my life and make better progress with the things I want to do with my life. Maybe once I have enough good systems/habits in place, I won’t NEED the medication anymore.

Whatever the case may be, I wanted to write up a post about it for a few different reasons:

I spend too much time in my own head, and getting some of this stuff OUT of my head—even if it’s just for the sake of that, and it doesn’t spawn discussion—is only going to help myself. I journal every morning, but I don’t really have the time or space to dig into stuff like in a post like this. And there’s definitely something different about writing this in a journal and putting it out there for other people to see. Journaling often still feels like a closed-loop—it WIDENS it a bit, maybe, but I’m still in my own head.

To people I interact with on a regular basis: If I’m not acting like myself or it seems like I’m struggling with things, here’s a bit of the reasons why. It’s a combination—I’m going through a transitionary period in my life, AND one of those transitionary elements happens to be going on a behavioral medication. ALSO: If I start REALLY acting not like myself, PLEASE let me know.

Like I said before, I believe strongly in destigmatizing mental illness/disorders and medication, so maybe putting my story out there will help contribute toward that. I have an immense amount of respect for people who do that themselves--@cleolinda comes to mind, and I know I’ve found solace in reading her posts about her own mental health journey, even if it’s VERY different from mine—so if there’s any way this can be of help to someone, all the better.

If anyone feels like sharing their own experiences to help me feel a little more comfortable with this/a little less alone, I am all ears. Eyes. …The Internet is weird.

Lastly, I’ll just reiterate how I’m feeling at the moment, pre-medication: I’m scared. I’m scared of how it might affect my personality, my overall attitude, my creativity. And I’ve been briefed on what the medication actually does, and I’ve been reassured over and over again about the creativity thing—especially when it comes to ADD, the medication is mild, and if it’s affecting me in ways I’m not happy about, I can reduce the dosage or stop altogether—and I believe those reassurances. But there’s always going to be nerves and anxiety. (Hopefully less after I start taking this medication.) I hope those who aren’t religious will forgive me for dropping a line of scripture (paraphrased) that seems relevant—“I believe, Lord. Help me with my unbelief.”

(I’m also thinking about trying to start an actual blog to assist in documenting this experience—or just blog about life in general? Tumblr isn’t really designed for full-fledged blogging, and LiveJournal (if it weren’t already GAUCHE as hell in this day and age to be using LiveJournal) does not seem to be ideal any longer for various reasons, so if there are any recommendations on where to start a blog, I’d appreciate them.)

[buttervoicedbutch]

Not to sound like one of those “ahaha I’m so CrAzY don’t let me out of the house *does something exceedingly mundane but perhaps slightly offbeat* but am I fucking crazy enough to start reading Proust